Things Which Will Happen When You Go To The Park
Let’s be honest; all of us with toddlers know we spend at the very least 87% of our week at the park. The park! It’s a glorious portal in to nap time; running, fresh air, if you’re lucky; wildlife. The park and it’s offerings cannot be scoffed at and if you’re the parent of a movey aroundy child then you’ll be there louder and prouder than a racist at a Trump rally.
‘How was the park today?’, your other half will ask.
‘Oh you know, same as always’, you’ll reply.
And that’s because it’s true. Here’s some things which always happen at the park whenever you visit the park.
- After about 14 seconds of running while wearing reins, your child will demonstrate they’re not really down with that. Simply by free-falling. You’ll feel a bit dithery & exasperated and try to ignore the gazes of other parents while your toddler falls forward and you try to make the reins less slack before just taking them off & shoving them under the pram.
- If you’re a really super duper mum you’ll have remembered to bring some crap dregs of bread you found in the kitchen to feed the ducks with. Yay! We’re going to feed the ducks! An activity! Your toddler will probably eat the bread/be too slow feeding the ducks and become scared when they waddle too close/you’ll encourage seagulls and then there’ll be a squawky b*tch fight you instigated like the awful prison guard from Orange Is The New Black.
- You’ll forget to wear your ‘shit shoes’. You’ll splodge in puddle number one and suddenly notice you’re in your bright white Nike high tops.
- It’ll start raining.
- And you probably didn’t bring the rain cover because where even is it? Is it in the boot? I hope it’s in the boot, I haven’t seen it in ages.
- You’ll be videoing your little one running and then they’ll fall over.
- And you’ll worry other parents are thinking ‘weeeelllll, if she just put her phone down for a second…’
- Your child will be so excited to see the swings and then they finally become free, hooray! Three pushes and they’ll want to get out.
- You may have come to the park thinking ‘thank goodness the rain’s cleared. Go me, I’ve timed this to perfection!’ only to realise everything.in.the.park.is.still.wet.
- And, oh… yep, raining again.
- If your local park has a cafe, it will always be full. Of pensioners, really cross they need to make way for a pram with pursed lips and furrowy brows.
- Your child will try to eat the following; pebbles, sticks, mud, a leaf, a pebble again.
- Your child will try to pick up the following; pebbles, sticks, mud, a leaf, a pebble again, a tissue with a suspicion stain, a carrier bag, swan poo.
- You’ll play Pooh Sticks with a whimsy vision in mind. Your toddler will make it less fun by demanding ‘more sticks, MORE STICKS’ and attempt to somehow get in the river.
- Your toddler will decide their wellies are the worst thing in the world, even worse than Nigel Farage and GET THEM OFF MY FEET I AM UNABLE TO GO ON MUMMY.
- A bigger child will piss you off.
- A bigger child will run too close to your wobbly toddler or not let them in the castle shaped climbing frame and that’s two reasons right there which contributed to them pissing you off.
- ‘Who’s your new friend Milo?’ I’ll ask my son. ‘This is Teddy isn’t it? Say hello to Milo, Teddy’ their mum will reply. ‘Shall we ask Milo how old he is Teddy?’ ‘Oh’, I’ll say, ‘Milo’s 20 months’. Conversations through your children, somehow a thing.
- You’ll have to take a really important phone call which you can’t concentrate on properly because your toddler’s stuck in a tunnel and you’ve had to go retrieve them before the child-backlog gets any worse.
- Your child will see a squirrel/dog/cat/bird and run after it.
- The park will be amazing, with brightly coloured equipment and nice bouncy tarmac. Your child will find a bird poo covered bin they’d rather try to climb in.
- Your toddler will spot another child’s football 7 miles in the distance and will run over to steal it faster than a toupee in a hurricane.
- If something isn’t age appropriate for your child, it’ll be like a beacon. ‘Play on me play on me play on me!’ the 8 metre high climbing wall will shout, while you stand there trying to endlessly coax your barely-out-of-the-womb human over to something spongy and soft.
- You’ll mention trees a lot. ‘What’s that? A tree, yes, a tree. What colour is the tree? Yes, green. Oh look, another tree. Can you say tree? Well done, is that tree tall? Very tall. Can you say green? Yes. Trees’
- You’ll watch your toddler run off and presume they won’t get very far. Only to realise they’ve already got very far and you need to ditch the pram and catch them up.
- The ‘OK, BYEEEEEE’ tactic will be used when you want to exit the park and aren’t met with co-operation. Your toddler will wave back at you and carry on playing while other parents will try not to laugh.
- Your child will go up lots of steps, sit at the top of the slide… and then not move. For ages. Other children will make the climb. They’ll be moaning they want to go down the slide. You’ll be going grey while desperately encouraging them to be brave. Years will pass, you’ve tried everything. Then suddenly, oh my gosh! You’ve won your child over! Oh, nope, you haven’t… they’ve shuffled backwards ready to precariously make their descent back down the steps.
- There’ll be a group of mums hanging out and enjoying the park much more than you because safety in numbers.
- Another mum will call out your child’s name and it’ll confuse you. You’ll do the same and then they’ll become confused. Minutes later you’ll pluck up the courage to have a conversation about the fact you both picked a really awesome name for your offspring.
- Your child will want to leave the confines of the park at least six times.
- Your child’s nose will run and you won’t have a tissue. It’s OK, that’s what sleeves/hats are for.
- Your toddler will go for a poo right near the slide and announce it. Loudly.
- Most crucially? You’ll go back and do it aaaaaaaalllllllll again tomorrow.
‘How was the park today?’
‘Oh you know, same as always’.