17 Ways You Don’t Think You’re Nailing The Mum Thing But Totally Are
Motherhood’s piss-easy to feel rubbish at, so I wanted to flip reverse it (like the smash hit by Blazin’ Squad) and celebrate all the ways you’re winning. Wherever there’s a parent negative there’s a parent positive (if you look hard enough) and it’s about high time we celebrated them. So let’s wave our dry shampoo bottles in the air like we just don’t care! (or just read this article and feel a bit less crap)
1. You’ve sat at home all day without showering or getting dressed.
Sitting at home with a baby is hard. There’s no distractions and no-one to tell you your baby’s mega cute. If you’ve sat at home all day you’ve probably had to entertain said baby, do the house work and make your own lunch, which takes waaay longer anyway when you’re doing it with one arm. Not leaving the house probably also means no hefty Starbucks coffee and no human interaction so well done on just being alive. And hey, why not pretend you’re a cave woman for the day or something? They never showered! They probably smelled of soot, poo and bilge water. You’re nowhere near that bad.
2. Everything is making you cry.
Your hormones are all jazzy and runny-aroundy like marathon runners on MDMA, plus you’re super frazzled what with all the relentless nursery rhymes, lack of sleep and screamy thing you’re in charge of. Anyone would cry! Stick some Modern Family on and eat what makes you happy in a really unladylike position. Life should start to feel a bit better.
3. You haven’t bothered to dress your baby in anything other than a baby grow.
He/she will be super comfy and super grateful you haven’t bent his/her limbs into another chuffing ridiculous outfit he/she never even wanted to wear in the first place.
4. You feel unsexy and don’t want to have sex.
If a drunk farmer went awol from his duties and ran over your vagina with his combine harvester, about six weeks down the line would you fancy canoodling with your other half? No, you probably wouldn’t. Six weeks isn’t even that long! Wyclef Jean was away longer in that ‘Gone ’til November’ song and they wrote a whole thing about it! So let’s just get some perspective and cut you some slack. If you don’t fancy it just yet, that’s a-ok, you just created a whole human. And if you don’t feel sexy yet, that’s OK too! Your body has changed a silly amount and what with all the no showering, dribbly boobs, saggy vag, probably hairy legs and armpits situation, throwing on a basque and shaking your thang is about as appealing as giving birth all over again. One thing though, you might not think you’re hot, but your other half will. Take it as a compliment and confirmation you very much are still a sexy thing. You sexy little thing you.
5. You haven’t done any housework today.
Literally no-one but you cares. It’s housework, you haven’t kicked a bin load of kittens.
6. You feel like you’re not stimulating your baby enough.
It’s absolutely fine to have some me time, and I think that’s a very important thing to remember because mainly, none of us do. Or we do remember, but feel terribly guilty at the thought of it. It’s completely fine to pop your baby down on their play mat with some age appropriate toys (don’t leave them brandishing a flip knife at the cat) and have a browse through a magazine, flick through Insta or just do a few massive sighs. Your baby won’t be on a Channel 4 documentary a few years down the line because you neglected them for 10 minutes, you’re doing as best you can but everyone needs some down time. I’ve also definitely been known to just lay down on the play mat myself so Milo feels like I’m there even though yes, physically I am, but no, my mind’s in Hawaii.
7. You finally get to have a night out, and then spend the whole night wanting to go home to your baby
Silly you, you’ve realised you love your baby far more than trotting round insert-local-city-centre in some Reiss bodycon dress and heels which BY THE WAY are way higher than you remember them being when you were 17 what has happened.
8. You keep putting photos of your baby online and worry everyone now thinks you’re a dick
They probably do, that’s the truth of it. We all do ’til we have our own. And that’s fine, because they may one day have their own and then they’ll realise you’re not a dick and upload their very own ‘oh look at my baby!’ photos. You’re with your child like, 31 hours a day. You take photos of what you’re doing. What you’re doing is being a mum.
9. Your baby isn’t doing as much as the other babies.
Some children pick things up quicker than others and this is just the way of the world. If you haven’t already, download the Wonder Weeks app and take a look at some of the things your little one should/could be doing. Their advice? That your baby will do all the things listed at ‘some point’. There’s no rush!
10. You feel alone.
Get out the house as much as you can, get to groups, sing the lame songs that make you feel all cringey, speak to the other mums and arrange to do it all over again. If you’re struggling because you can’t drive, search for other mums on social media. Instagram’s great for like-minded ladies and having chinwags over absolute bollocks. It’s hard if you feel like you haven’t got people around you to talk to, but look… you’re spending most of your day with a blob of skin that can’t say anything. Of course it’s likely you’re going to feel alone! Get someone to hang around with a fat piece of Play-Doh every day and they’d feel alone too.
11. You smell of baby sick.
It’s cheaper than perfume.
12. You feel like you’re rubbish at everything.
Is your baby alive? Super, you’re doing just fine.
13. You’ve still got stretch marks and a saggy bum.
You do realise they invented clothes for a reason yes? Good, go wear some! And some nice accessories, ooooooh and get a new handbag! And honestly, your body’s nowhere near as vile as you think it is. And if you’re really not happy? Take it as an excuse to get exercising. It’s something you can do in your living room with baby involved (yay for something new to do!) and it gives you tonnes of happy endorphins. Wicked sticks.
14. You’ve got greasy hair and have to leave the house.
Dry shampoo or talcum powder that shit. If it’s the summer, throw a cutesy head scarf on and if it’s winter, a bobble hat. And see the grease as a sign of how much attention you’ve been paying to your baby. Well done you!
15. You dropped crumbs on your baby’s head
You ate. That’s actually very impressive.
16. You didn’t bath your baby today
Is he growing moss? No, then you can give yourself a day off.
17. You don’t like everything that comes with being a mum and feel guilty.
Let’s talk about cats. You like cats right? Right. Like really like cats? Yep. LOVE cats? Yep! Do you LOVE the fact they lick their own bumholes? No, you don’t.
Dogs are great right? Yeah, well they sometimes eat poo, and you don’t like that.
You will never, never ever ever like everything about something and the same goes for motherhood. Why on earth wouldn’t it? Becoming a mama will bring you some of the most overwhelmingly joyous moments, and other stuff meeeehhhhhhhh not so much. You don’t have to love everything that comes with having a baby because some of it’s not so lovely and good lord you’re allowed to find it less than fantastic. You decided to commit and make a full-on human with your other half. Do you love everything about your other half? No, because that would be weird and he always leaves his pants on the floor despite you asking him relentlessly to put them in the pissing wash basket. You do not need permission not to enjoy everything you silly sausage you.
All joking aside, you’re probably are doing very, very well. It’s so easy to be self-critical and speaking as someone who didn’t tend to beat themselves up pre-baby, now I’m a mum I spend way too much time thinking I’m being crap at stuff rather than just getting on with it. If we’re all doing our best then that’s all we and our children can ask, because essentially, we can’t do any more. So try not to feel guilty about ridiculous things, cut yourself some slack and remember every single other mum has gone through/is going through exactly the same thing as you and will almost definitely have spent a day at home in pyjamas that smell a bit of bins because they simply didn’t/don’t have the energy to do anything about it.
So to conclude ladies… *high pitched voice* naaaaailed iiiiiittttt!